When shamed, children internalize parental messages as toxic shame and conclude that they’re unlovable. The emotional toll on men is never discussed, because it’s considered “weak” and shrouded in shame. Teaching boys to be hypermasculine and to disrespect women as equals encourages domination, emotional abuse, and violence.
Usually, this occurs in an environment of dysfunctional parenting, where shame, and often abuse, has already undermined boys’ developing sense of identity.
Shaming of emotions, the body, or normal needs and wants that is chronic or severe is deeply wounding and can result in trauma, addiction, aggression, and codependency (Lancer, 2014). (This includes shame for any reason, not just sexual shame.) But it comes at a price. Power over the opposite gender is used to bolster male low self-esteem and deeply denied shame. Teenage boys then believe that they can and should behave this way, but are disillusioned and disempowered when they discover reality differs. It normalizes male conquest, control, and dominance and promotes the fantasy that all women enjoy what men demand, including aggression, or that they can be easily coerced to (Jensen, 2007). Hard porn is often the basis for male sex education. The popularity of violent porn is growing, and studies show that it contributes to pedophilia, misogyny, and violence against women. It’s reinforced through “girl watching,” promiscuity or competition among men to “score,” having a beautiful woman as a trophy, and addiction to pornography, especially if it involves male power over for females (Elder, 2010). Objectification of women strengthens these values and strains male relationships with women. Objectification of WomenĬountless men are socialized by their fathers, brothers, and male peers to objectify, dominate, and degrade women. Because signs of femininity are despised by heterosexual boys trying to establish their own identity, gay teens experience bullying and shaming at school, which may account for a higher rate of adolescent suicides among LGBT youth and substance abuse than heterosexuals. Gay teenagers wonder, “Can I become a man and sexually prefer men?” They’re confused, afraid, and ashamed. I’ve treated patients who suffered silently for decades and listened to sermons condemning them to hell. For a gay boy, it’s shattering to discover that he’s different. It’s a difficult period for all youth, but especially for those in the LBGT community. In adolescence, teens strive to be accepted as equals among their peers at a time when they’re also establishing their ability to be sexually intimate. He traumatized the boy, while re-enacting abuse he’d likely received growing up. Over my objections, one of the male leaders brutally shamed any boy who showed fear, and worse, tears. The challenges were designed to be frightening - even to adults. I was invited as a therapist to attend a ropes course that challenged young teens at risk. In a culture that encourages hypermasculinity, some fathers humiliate their sons by calling them “sissy,” or “Mama’s boy.” It puts pressure on men to measure up to these norms and simultaneously shames other parts of them. Being socialized this way, many boys and men have had their emotions shamed in order to conform to the masculine ideal of toughness, creating homophobia around tender feelings. It rejects all feminine traits such as tenderness, compassion, and empathy. Masculine ideals of toughness, success, and anti-femininity are promoted. Hypermasculinity exaggerates stereotypical male behavior, such as an emphasis on physical strength, aggression, and sexuality. To accomplish this task, they look to their father, peers, and cultural standards and role models to define what it is to be a man. Boys must separate from their mothers to establish their masculinity.